24 posts tagged thoughts

8th July 2014

I keep finding myself at two in the morning
With words in my head crashing over each other like waves
It’s high tide and I’m tongue tied
My mind’s processor stopped working,
All the thoughts and lessons running down the stairs to the front door
They trip and fall, splattering at the bottom into a mess I cannot clean up
I am tired, but my brain keeps speaking
And until my mouth starts speaking, my mind will not shut up
I am trying, oh God, I am trying
To verbalize the feelings that are tugging me in every direction
I’m feeling drawn and quartered because the drawing board is blank
I cannot put pen to paper or my fingers to the keys
I cannot verbalize or articulate the things that are pounding at the backs of my teeth,
Begging me, “spit me out!”
Because there is too much and there are too many deaf ears
And my own are no better
I’m trying to talk the talk without walking the walk
The cognitive dissonance is like a headache I cannot escape
And “integrity” is a word I’m still trying to apply, like a temporary tattoo
I’m gagging on the words that went down and are trying to come back up
But I haven’t digested them
There’s intellectual bread and butter coming up in chunks
I keep writing and erasing, deleting the words as they hit the page
They’re all wrong and no one listens if you don’t speak the language
I’m begging for eloquence and simplicity, but superfluous essays are clawing their way out of my skin

They aren’t worth printing, but I can’t stop the words
I’m feeling everything all at once and if my mind doesn’t quiet down, I will make a point of losing it

13th March 2013

I have really mixed feelings about invasive species control. On the one hand, I don’t want the natural flora and fauna of an environment to be upset by an introduced species, so it would be beneficial to eliminate invasive species wherever possible. On the other hand, I don’t want to justify the genocide of hundreds of thousands of organisms by mankind that (in about 95% of cases) were introduced to the area by mankind to begin with.

I’m torn between this “I want this environment to stay pristine and perfect without these evil invasive species coming in!” feeling and the cliched “You made your bed, now lie in it” sentiment.

10th January 2012

I take the phrase, “love is blind,” to mean something completely different than most people do.

I personally don’t believe in romantic love, I don’t think there are any people that are compatible with each other enough to stay together through their whole lives; maybe that makes me the worst person possible to give an opinion on love, but I find I have strong opinions about this thing I don’t believe in. To me, saying love is blind means that you can find anyone and love them. Even if you’re with someone else, if the person that you’re supposed to love isn’t around, you can and will find a way to show that love in some way to someone else, because we [as humans] can’t keep those feelings and emotions to ourselves. There’s a reason that people claim to want to shout about it from the rooftops when they think they’re in love, and I think that reason is because we are incapable of holding in a feeling like “love.” I am not saying this as a justification for cheating, because I don’t think there is ever any excuse for cheating, but I think that when we’re away from the one we “love” and we’re feeling this swell of emotions, we can find someone to shower with attention and affection. In that way, love is blind. Love does not discriminate among people whom we do not want romantically, it can just flow from us onto the people at our disposal.

1st November 2011

Things that I haven’t said (but I’ve wanted to):

So how was your day?

Aren’t you up past your bedtime, mister?

I drew a picture about you today…is that weird?

You know you still matter to me, right?

I still care about you so much.

Do you still want to hear about those fish? I’ve found some new really cool ones if you’re still interested…

I go through so much trouble trying to think up ways to start conversations with you. Haha, kind of ridiculous, huh?

I know I’m not supposed to be talking to you, but I really want to…so, hi.

Sometimes I do things or post things just because I think they’ll get you to talk to me. Sometimes they do. When they do, butterflies explode in my tummy and I end up saying stupid things to you.

I wish he were you.

I miss you so much.

I still love you and I’m grappling with the idea that I might have actually fallen for you and that scares me to death. It scares me because I was always so nervous around you to begin with; I was never myself. I was so afraid of being hurt by you that I never gave all of me over to you, because I was afraid of you rejecting the real me. I gave you my whole heart, but I hid behind caring about you so much. Too much. I got so hurt and now I’m settling for a guy who is no challenge at all, who thinks I’m absolutely perfect and wonderful and is a complete fool. He’s not you, but I wish he were. I wish I had you. Not just now, but ever. You always had me, but I never had you. When I told my best friend that there was so much of a chase with you, so much challenge, and that’s what I loved, she reminded me that, no, there was no chase, no challenge, only an impossibility. I don’t want something that I can’t have. Except I do. I want you, and you made it perfectly clear that I cannot and will not have you…but I still want you. More importantly, I want you to know just that.

I am Ashley, an incredibly introverted environmental enthusiast.
I'm studying to be a marine biologist.
I have a fierce love for all living things, a very broad sense of humor, and I'm likely too passionate for my own good.
Herein you'll find animals (especially creepy-crawlies), nature, science, art, some of my own photography, and occasionally a scattering of personal posts.
I'm an avid reader and music-listener, so suggestions are always welcome (you can check out my last.fm if you're interested).
I source all of my own posts unless it's my content, in which case I tag it "personal."
But that tag is littered with a bunch of other, boring things as well, so peruse with caution.

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